The feeling of grass strands in between my bare foot.
The smell of freshly roasted nuts at the Christmas
The touch of human kindness skin to skin
The taste of cherries on my longing tongue
Snuggling up in fresh cotton bed sheets after a nice
The once familiar safe smell of my mothers scarf she'd
never leave the house without.
That one pair of comfort joggers that I would wear to
The sound of my dogs bark. I was scared of it when
I was a child but now it grew comfort to me. I don't
even remember what most of these felt like. I don't
remember how wholesome a hug was or even the taste
of cherries. But not remembering my mothers over-
powering smell makes me the most mad.
How am I supposed to re enter a world after having
all my basic rights stolen?
How can I wake up in my own bed and not even
Why do I startle at knocking on a door?
Why do I jump at my fire alarm?
Why can I not listen to a school bell chime without it
taking me back to that place?
An environment meant to protect me has only made
me a freak in society.
i had to reteach my self skills u develop as a new born.
Wis whole personality was stripped and lam this frig
He piece of China that will shatter at any loud noise,
alarm or touch.
Tam this big messed up monster of ptsd and discom.
fort. My home is not my home atleast it doesn't feel
What type of person feels more comfortable in a psy-
chiatric ward than their own home.
What type of person misses a place that scarred me in
ways I will never be healed
I was 16 years old stopping my friends from suffocat-
ing themselves to death
I was 16 years old with wrists bloody and scarred.
"I was in a shark attack" "it was my cat"
"I really like
When are these excuses going to wear thin
Most people are scared of death or spiders where I am
scared of short sleeves I am scared of Summer.
I am scared of my phone pinging at 2 in the morning
incase i have to be a suicide helpline and try to
convince my friend there is more to living when we
know in a world as fuck up as this you have the right
to give up.
At 16 I had the ambulance on speed dial.
At 16 was trying to save everyone around me while I
was the one needing saving.
What did they think was gonna happen when u put
a bunch of suicidal teenagers in the same place for
What was the actual logistics for this.
I can't be chased up stairs without thinking it's my
friend chasing me with a knife again.
I can't listen to knocking without thinking of my
friends head banging the walls.
I can't have my fire alarm go off without thinking it's
the incident alarm.
And I can't ever get that childhood back that I missed.
I can't ever get those social skills back that I lost by
being a ptsd driven warning sign.
Everyone keeps their distant like I'm a hazard like I'm
a ticking time bomb about to have this massive break-
down if they get to close.
So I fake a smile I fake a laugh and I fake a personal-
ity because I don't know who I am anymore. I don't
who they want me to be. I please them with a smile.
I please them with a hug. I please them by making
them laugh. Because as long as they think I'm normal
I am as long as they don't know how screwed up I am
I'm not. And as long as they are happy I am.
By Saffy Cox